Time to Say 'Goodbye'.
*Gong* All Ye Hail Emperor Superstar! The Emperor Thpeaketh!
I spent my day with the guys. Brad, Marcus, Chris, Bob and Jeremy. Thanks for making it a memorable one. We'll hang out again soon.
It's BRT for me, eight hours from now. I'm anxious.
It's not fear.
It's a feeling I can't seem to be able to express verbally.
Only one thing bothers me. The fact that it's so uncertain. I don't even have the courage to express myself on this issue. I never thought I'd resort to deluding myself just to make myself forget that I hurt almost everyday. I feel like a sell-out. I feel so 'chicken'. I feel so helpless. I feel like I'm hiding from certain truths because, for once, I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT. Failure.
It's a disease. A curse. A phobia. How can I be afraid? I used to be so full of it. So able to take it. Now, I don't even dare think of it just because I know I can't take it. What's become of me? Change is good, but sometimes I don't know whether I like some of it. I wonder if you feel the same inside. It doesn't seem to affect you. And I think it's just fucked up that I have to go through this like a wounded animal.
The fear of rejection plagues me like it has never before. My heart is just itching for a break. A break it'll never get. The pains it endures day in and day out are unbearable. You have a weapon of choice. One called 'Indifference'. It may be a defense but I assure you it is highly potent. Amidst all this, I finally plucked the courage to say what I've been wanting to say for the longest time. It's still no good.
When will the dust settle? I know I'm asking for too much. Let me rant. I need to. I've hidden it all inside for too long. I know it's not practical. It's never practical. Sometimes I wonder if it's waiting for me to totally change so I can be good enough or whether it's waiting for when you have the patience. Maybe I'm the only one feeling this way and maybe all this ranting is for shit, but the truth is it's frustrating.
Just when will the dust fall? How are we so sure that it's gonna be two years from now? How would anyone know? How would anything happen if everyone just sits back to relax about it? Are we waiting for something to happen?
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore...
It's such a torture that I can't say all the things I really wanna say for fear of being 'politically incorrect'. For fear of being in breach of the 'peace treaty'. For fear of upsetting the peace.
For fear of losing the one thing I treasure most. The one thing I can't have. The one thing I so dearly desire.
These feelings are stronger than any of you know. It's not funny anymore. I can't even express myself when I want to. Not because I lack the ability, but because I lack the opportunity (or the courage). I can't help but feel alone. I know I have good friends and family supporting me, but nobody knows how I really feel. Why is that? It's because nobody knows what I'm feeling. They may know, but they don't know how really painful it is because they're not me and they haven't been through the same.
So much to say.. just because I haven't been expressing myself. I decided it's time. Just before I go in.
Thank you and good night...
The Emperor Hath Thpoken! *Gong*
I spent my day with the guys. Brad, Marcus, Chris, Bob and Jeremy. Thanks for making it a memorable one. We'll hang out again soon.
It's BRT for me, eight hours from now. I'm anxious.
It's not fear.
It's a feeling I can't seem to be able to express verbally.
Only one thing bothers me. The fact that it's so uncertain. I don't even have the courage to express myself on this issue. I never thought I'd resort to deluding myself just to make myself forget that I hurt almost everyday. I feel like a sell-out. I feel so 'chicken'. I feel so helpless. I feel like I'm hiding from certain truths because, for once, I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT. Failure.
It's a disease. A curse. A phobia. How can I be afraid? I used to be so full of it. So able to take it. Now, I don't even dare think of it just because I know I can't take it. What's become of me? Change is good, but sometimes I don't know whether I like some of it. I wonder if you feel the same inside. It doesn't seem to affect you. And I think it's just fucked up that I have to go through this like a wounded animal.
The fear of rejection plagues me like it has never before. My heart is just itching for a break. A break it'll never get. The pains it endures day in and day out are unbearable. You have a weapon of choice. One called 'Indifference'. It may be a defense but I assure you it is highly potent. Amidst all this, I finally plucked the courage to say what I've been wanting to say for the longest time. It's still no good.
When will the dust settle? I know I'm asking for too much. Let me rant. I need to. I've hidden it all inside for too long. I know it's not practical. It's never practical. Sometimes I wonder if it's waiting for me to totally change so I can be good enough or whether it's waiting for when you have the patience. Maybe I'm the only one feeling this way and maybe all this ranting is for shit, but the truth is it's frustrating.
Just when will the dust fall? How are we so sure that it's gonna be two years from now? How would anyone know? How would anything happen if everyone just sits back to relax about it? Are we waiting for something to happen?
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore...
It's such a torture that I can't say all the things I really wanna say for fear of being 'politically incorrect'. For fear of being in breach of the 'peace treaty'. For fear of upsetting the peace.
For fear of losing the one thing I treasure most. The one thing I can't have. The one thing I so dearly desire.
These feelings are stronger than any of you know. It's not funny anymore. I can't even express myself when I want to. Not because I lack the ability, but because I lack the opportunity (or the courage). I can't help but feel alone. I know I have good friends and family supporting me, but nobody knows how I really feel. Why is that? It's because nobody knows what I'm feeling. They may know, but they don't know how really painful it is because they're not me and they haven't been through the same.
So much to say.. just because I haven't been expressing myself. I decided it's time. Just before I go in.
Thank you and good night...
The Emperor Hath Thpoken! *Gong*
posted by Emperor Superstar at 11:53 pm
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