*Gong* All Ye Hail Emperor Superstar! The Emperor Thpeaketh!
Let's have a story, shall we?
After the whole ending of the saga of my struggle to find happiness in April 2007, I found myself heading on a collision course of self-destruction. Deep down, I had always been depressed. I took comfort in the love showered upon me by my family and friends, but when it came to matters of intimate relationships with the opposite sex, I had begun to turn cold with skepticism. I devised my own theories of how love between a man and a woman should be. I was lost from this point onward.
I had tried to do things differently from how I had done them before. I sought out different people for the thrill of the hunt, sexual pleasure and a boost to my ego. Some were friends, some were strangers and some were prostitutes. For quite some time, I felt like this was what it should be from there on. Seeking the comforts and pleasures of consensual parties without having to reveal my true feelings or emotions. I felt like I had nothing to lose. This was during a time when I was stuck in training camps, having nothing else to look forward to but a good time on weekends. I felt on top of the world and nothing nor anybody could put me down or deter me from my relentlessness. Some of my experiences were sensational, but most were not as well as I had imagined they would be. Nevertheless, I was ever spurred.
It all came to a halt when I met and caught up with a good friend's ex-girlfriend, whom I barely knew. One thing led to another and I found myself having gone to bed with this girl. Something that was purely a consensual one-off thing. In the heat of things, everything was going as planned right until I hit a wall and I hit it hard. Suddenly, there was something in me that cried to stop. I did not know what it was at that time, but I found myself not being able to perform. Immediately, I went limp. I was very embarrassed that I could not get myself back on again. I tried and tried until she lost patience and called the whole thing off. I apologized yet I could not explain even to myself what was happening.
After much thought, I had realized that my conscience was telling me, at the moment, that what I was doing and what I had been doing was all wrong. It was disgusting, disrespectful and despicable. From then on, I promised I would not be like that any more. I decided to take some time for myself and reflect on my thoughts about how I should carry on my life.
In August 2007, I had met up with some old friends to celebrate my 23rd birthday. It was then that I got in touch with a friend that I have now known for about eight years and counting. By that time, I was totally sober and had had a lot of time to reflect. Anyway, this friend's name is Carissa and she had been there for me a while after my break-up with my previous girlfriend. She, herself had recently gone through the same and she only wanted to help me out. When we finally met to celebrate my 23rd birthday, we had not seen each other for about two years since the last. We kept in contact during the following months and throughout that period we had fallen for each other. We made it official on the 15th of October 2007.
At the beginning, Carissa was very skeptical that it would not work out because of past experiences with others and certain emotional scarring. I assured her that I had felt the same way, but it was time to change that way of thinking, live for the moment, and let God take care of the rest. I was successful. The two of us had become very much in love and she told me that nobody had ever made her so happy before. I shared that sentiment very much.
As time went by, I had been struggling with coping with National Service. It was very frustrating having to put up with all the rubbish I had to take at work, and subsequently I found myself taking it out on her. She tried as hard as she could to endure all these because she understood that it was just taking a toll on me. She was just wonderful and I was just horrible. I had taken for granted that she would always be there to comfort me.
It got worse when she started working for a new company which demanded more of her than her previous employers. She was working all kinds of weird night shifts and I was working morning shifts. It was practically impossible to meet at all during the week, but we still had weekends. The problem with me is that I also dedicate my weekends to my close friends, and Carissa had expressed many times that it was too much to bear. We had ended up mixing our time with time spent with friends and we just had very little opportunity to be alone with each other. Even then, we fought a lot and I just did not help it by being my egoistic self.
There came a point in our relationship when Carissa had lost almost all hope in trying to salvage anything that we had lost between ourselves and she attempted to call the whole thing off before the end of the year 2008. I had just finished National Service and was ready to begin my new life with her, but to my dismay it was not as peachy as I had planned for it. We sat down and talked about it for many nights. We cried and we suffered great pain.
At the end of it all, I realized that I had been foolish in holding on to past hurts and being stubborn about opening my eyes to see that she is really the woman I've been waiting for my whole life, and to let her slip through my hands just like that would be a terrible mistake. I poured my feelings out to Carissa and I managed to convince her that I would not make the same mistake again. She too realized that it would be almost impossible to go on without me, because of all the wonderful moments we had shared together before. We agreed to give it another try.
I'm very happy to say now that Carissa and I are pulling through and I am content. We have not reached our destination as we have a lot of catching up to do, but I have made significant improvement to my life and the way I treat her. She is happy and I am happy. We love each other and that is all that matters. We are in this together and I believe that we will get there soon.
I've learned that what we are all looking for is not really that right companion to love and depend on to get through life, but it is the aid that these people offer to go in search of the good and the bad of what is truly wonderful. Carissa has shown me many things to life that I had never been able to imagine true. She has brought me utmost joy in everything that she does, says and believes in. That is the beauty of the love that I share with her, and she has made my life a better place to be in by introducing her unique look on all things. I had tried to fight in skepticism for a long time before, but I now know that because of her I have the strength to accept myself and find confidence and assurance within myself to carry on.
The Emperor Hath Thpoken! *Gong*
