"Platoon 7, Gangstuh~"!!!

*Gong* All Ye Hail Emperor Superstar! The Emperor Thpeaketh!

I'm back for the weekend and SCDF is an eye-opener, although it really isn't since I kinda knew what I was getting myself into. Gosh, PTP is a killer, yeah? Whoah, Terok! My arms are aching so much from all those push-ups and the PTIs are bloody ruthless. I swear some people there (I won't mention races =P) find it difficult to follow instructions and then everyone gets it.

I am in allegiance with the notorious platoon no.7 of the happening Charlie Company. The worst bunch of the whole 102nd in-take. We're loud and mischievous, but we make up for it in earnest, team spirit.

I've learnt a lot from just one week. I've never drunk so much water or eaten so frequently in my entire life. Yet, I'm not putting on that much weight. Three heavy meals, one snack and at least two water parades every day. My stomach is expanding against my liking, but it's for the better. Gotta prep-up for the IPPT and pass it with flying colours and secure myself an opportunity to engage with the ERS vocation. Something to drive me and look forward to, so my stay there would be far from futile.

So it's 4 weeks of PTP (Physical Training Phase), 6 weeks of BRT (Basic Rescue Training) and 24 weeks of ERS vocation training (if possible). In that case, I'll be spending a total of 8.5 months at Jalan Bahar before I get posted somewhere near home to finally command a battalion of fire fighters and serve the nation. I pray I succeed, or else I'd be quite upset with myself.

Anyway, just FYI, I'll be out of camp and back home on Friday evenings and back in camp on Sunday evenings (provided I don't have to stay behind for guard duty).

I hope I can catch up with the good people this weekend before I go in for an even tougher week of PTP. My instructors have warned about the 2nd week being hell week. Damn it. Prepare my funeral service, thanks. HAHA! Just kidding. Brave the storm and emerge bed-ridden! Another joke. OK I stop here for now.

Till the next, my good people!

The Emperor Hath Thpoken! *Gong*

Time to Say 'Goodbye'.

*Gong* All Ye Hail Emperor Superstar! The Emperor Thpeaketh!

I spent my day with the guys. Brad, Marcus, Chris, Bob and Jeremy. Thanks for making it a memorable one. We'll hang out again soon.

It's BRT for me, eight hours from now. I'm anxious.

It's not fear.

It's a feeling I can't seem to be able to express verbally.

Only one thing bothers me. The fact that it's so uncertain. I don't even have the courage to express myself on this issue. I never thought I'd resort to deluding myself just to make myself forget that I hurt almost everyday. I feel like a sell-out. I feel so 'chicken'. I feel so helpless. I feel like I'm hiding from certain truths because, for once, I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT. Failure.

It's a disease. A curse. A phobia. How can I be afraid? I used to be so full of it. So able to take it. Now, I don't even dare think of it just because I know I can't take it. What's become of me? Change is good, but sometimes I don't know whether I like some of it. I wonder if you feel the same inside. It doesn't seem to affect you. And I think it's just fucked up that I have to go through this like a wounded animal.

The fear of rejection plagues me like it has never before. My heart is just itching for a break. A break it'll never get. The pains it endures day in and day out are unbearable. You have a weapon of choice. One called 'Indifference'. It may be a defense but I assure you it is highly potent. Amidst all this, I finally plucked the courage to say what I've been wanting to say for the longest time. It's still no good.

When will the dust settle? I know I'm asking for too much. Let me rant. I need to. I've hidden it all inside for too long. I know it's not practical. It's never practical. Sometimes I wonder if it's waiting for me to totally change so I can be good enough or whether it's waiting for when you have the patience. Maybe I'm the only one feeling this way and maybe all this ranting is for shit, but the truth is it's frustrating.

Just when will the dust fall? How are we so sure that it's gonna be two years from now? How would anyone know? How would anything happen if everyone just sits back to relax about it? Are we waiting for something to happen?

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore...

It's such a torture that I can't say all the things I really wanna say for fear of being 'politically incorrect'. For fear of being in breach of the 'peace treaty'. For fear of upsetting the peace.

For fear of losing the one thing I treasure most. The one thing I can't have. The one thing I so dearly desire.

These feelings are stronger than any of you know. It's not funny anymore. I can't even express myself when I want to. Not because I lack the ability, but because I lack the opportunity (or the courage). I can't help but feel alone. I know I have good friends and family supporting me, but nobody knows how I really feel. Why is that? It's because nobody knows what I'm feeling. They may know, but they don't know how really painful it is because they're not me and they haven't been through the same.

So much to say.. just because I haven't been expressing myself. I decided it's time. Just before I go in.

Thank you and good night...

The Emperor Hath Thpoken! *Gong*

Hide and Seek

*Gong* All Ye Hail Emperor Superstar! The Emperor Thpeaketh!

Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears,
They were here first.

Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Ah off course it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's just what we need? And you decided this.
Mmm what you say?
What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.

The Emperor Hath Thpoken! *Gong*

Don't Stop Believing

*Gong* All Ye Hail Emperor Superstar! The Emperor Thpeaketh!

Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere
Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill,
everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice,
just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Streetlight people

The Emperor Hath Thpoken! *Gong*